At Chemo…

SO, I am sitting here getting treatment – not really wanting to be here.  I decided to go ahead and come due to the committment today. That is all. I came by myself like I mostly do because I can get more done…lol. For some reason RIGHT BEFORE she was going to put the needle in my port, I started tearing up – AGAIN. That is like the 3rd time it happened. I blame menopause because the nurse is concerned. It was really just me feeling sorry for myself for being here alone. Ok, so it’s not necessarily that I am here ALONE that bothers me, it’s that I am not here with anyone I thought I would be with. It’s my own fault – partly. I pushed people away or did not reach out. I did not realize that when you are the one that usually does everything and handles everything that when YOU might need something, no one really KNOWS how to be there for you unless you continue to TELL THEM HOW to be there for you AND I don’t really even KNOW how to recieve help, either or reach out. I learned…. This is VERY different for me, too. I may not have handled it “correctly” but I have NEVER been where I am at right now.

I am handling EVERYTHING differently. I haven’t fell back on old ways to make that quick money because finances fell off, I haven’t looked to lean on other men because mine decided to stop being there for me, I have changed patterns and old habits. Obviously CHANGE was needed. God has been dealing with me and showing me things more clearly now. I have had to let go of a lot of “old” ways because I was being weighed down. It is NOT easy but it is so worth it! There have been so many changes going on inside me…being diagnosed with breast cancer was probably one of the best things that could have happened to me. I know that may sound crazy and maybe even piss some people off but this is MY journey. I can be bitter and continue to feel sorry for me and let this DEFINE me or I can use it to make me better! I get to rebuild and I got to see who actually STUCK BY ME through this, who stayed strong WITH me, who REALLY cared. Don’t get me wrong, everything isn’t and wasn’t ALWAYS positive – I HAD MY MOMENTS and still do sometimes BUT I do not DWELL in them! I FEEL those moments completely and then when I’m done, I can let it go easier. I am MORE than a conquerer. I am. I ALMOST forgot who I was when I gave myself over to someone that did not know how to “handle” me but I got ME back and even better! I learned a hard and painful lesson but NOW I know I will never put up with less than what I deserve and what I am willing to give ANYMORE. With anyone…friend, mate – anyone! I will always cater to the soul and NOT the ego and if the ego controls someone, well…..that’s a different subject but just know, I will feed the soul and not the ego. And I want the same. Anything less is just not worth it anymore. When you know better, you just can’t go back! If you do, you will be so uncomfortable because your soul will pull at you ALWAYS! I know from experience.

Anyway……I am STILL learning this blogging stuff but I will get it! Right now, it is an outlet for me. I hope that I can help someone along the way or inspire someone just like I was inspired. Until next time, this is me leaving my mark for the day….. #iloveyou

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