It is June 30, 2017. (Not sure why it says February at the top.) We are 6 months into the year and it has been 6 months since I had been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. This past 6 months has been a life changing experience on SO many levels, to say the least!!! I was diagnosed, had genetic testing, had a lumpectomy, had ovaries and tubes removed (which put me into menopause at 42), had someone try to convince everyone that I was LYING about having cancer because I did not handle things the way she thought I should, I guess. I was unable to start my business in which I had paid off my schooling for, I had no income, I lost my car, got behind on bills and rent…did not qualify for help because I could not show loss of income. (I was going to school and about to start a permanent makeup business when I got diagnosed.) Ended up having to do the Red Devil chemo, lost my hair, lost 30 lbs (which was actually good) and lost a very special person in my life due to more lies that were being spread about me sleeping with a mutual friend! WTF?
Update to this post: There is a whole lot more but I am done with the ranting! I am on THE COME UP for the last 7 months of 2017 being that I am on NEW chemo that doesn’t affect me as much, REbuilding my businesses better than ever and REbuilding my body better than ever!!!! This is actually a very exciting time for me! God has DEALT with me and allowed me to have ANOTHER chance to be BETTER and I am not wasting it! I am sharing this with you because I want you to see that God can do ANYTHING with anyone when you ALLOW it! Everything you see, hope for, dreamed about – it was put there for a reason and is waiting on YOU! GO GET IT! Let’s do this TOGETHER! I know I’m going after what’s MINE! I might make mistakes or get sidetracked or whatever at times because I am NOT perfect but God………
Here’s a link to me shaving my head and my Youtube page. Warning: there is cussing on this video.
So, I DO have my ups and downs. Something might trigger a negative thought and I spiral downward into a deep dark place depending on the thought. I have spiraled so far down that I felt like I was gonna vomit or my insides were just hurting so much that I thought I would explode, or I cried so hard that I thought I wouldn’t have anymore tears left or even wanting to just die…yes, I have been there. I was there yesterday for a little bit. I was putting rhinestones on a bandana for an order and a song came on that triggered me. I fell to the floor, my heart was in PAIN and I was crying uncontrollably. I asked God to PLEASE send something or someone to help me get away from these feelings because I didn’t want to go deeper into them – then BING! I heard the ding of my FB messenger and at first I ignored it then I was like “maybe that’s it” and I got up to look at it.
It was my ex husbands aunt sending me a video where a lady was talking about going through situations to get to your destiny – the process! GOD WAS ON TIME! This is the second time I was on my floor in my room recently asking God to do something and He did – fast! I was wanting to give up and this video she sent was a REMINDER of why I won’t! And even though I feel “lonely” at times because I “feel” like I am by myself going through all of this because I THOUGHT I was going to go through it WITH someone specific, I KNOW that there is MORE to all of this than what I can “see” at the moment – and I know it is GOOD! Sometimes you will HAVE to be qualified and set aside to be able to learn to handle what is waiting for you because it is a bigger responsibility than what you are used to AND sometimes people, things and situations will have to be removed from your life so God can get your FULL ATTENTION. God WILL show you and mold you IF you ALLOW Him! He WILL put the people and things in place for you that are necessary for you to get you to the next level! BUT you also have to do YOUR part! It’s not ALWAYS easy, but it’s ALWAYS worth it!!!!
Thank you for reading and following me during this process. As I am sharing MY experiences, I hope to inform, inspire, motivate and maybe even entertain at times – like I was when I saw someone else share their story. There is SO much more to come! You can keep up with me on fb, twitter, instagram and youtube, also!
So I FINALLY put up my video that I was procrastinating on, letting myself get distracted from and over thinking about! See, I KNOW I am supposed to share MY experience and I am learning that the enemy will feed your ego with lies, doubt, insecurities and whatever can be thought of to MESS YOU UP when you are CALLED to help or inspire others in a positive way. He will use people and situations to distract you and throw you off. WHY? To keep you from your blessings and miracles and to help keep you from helping OTHERS recieve THEIR blessings and miracles.
See, I feel as if I have had an awakening experience through what I am looking at as a purification process. During this process, I feel as if I had been found in the dirt, cleaned up, looked at, burned, cut and molded and now I am in the process of being shined up and polished to be put on display like a rare purple diamond of royalty would be. (I said this in the video, too.) This is not a catapillar to butterfly type of transformation – that sounds too pretty, too clean – too typical and simple for what I went through!
I RECONNECTED WITH MY SOUL! I learned the difference between my ego and my soul and it blew my mind! Like, have you ever been doing something fun but you felt not quite all the way right or maybe like a “pulling” of some sort? THAT is your SOUL! So whatever you are doing is betraying your soul and it’s trying to let you know but if you are so used to your ego running you, you just keep doing what you are doing and push that “pulling” feeling away – and THIS is how CYCLES get created and repeated over and over! So what happens is you just continue to do these things and it’s USUALLY stuff that you are trying to do to fill an emptiness or some void and it works for awhile at first BUT THEN it stops and you don’t know why. It’s usually because the “pull” on your soul gets stronger and makes you very uncomfortable because it makes you think about unpleasant things you do not want to deal with that are actually the REASONS you have the emptiness. (Like maybe issues from your past like for me, it was my Dad passing on when I was 15 so that made me want connections with men.) SO, your EGO searches for the next thing new thing that is going to “make you feel better” and you just start the cycle over again instead of facing the real issues and breaking the cycle. This is SO common and it does get passed on from generation to generation until SOMEONE breaks it.
This is what I did. I am doing things different this time. I am healing…not just from chemo, I’m healing to my soul! I’m constantly pushing my ego down so I can BE. My ego does not run me anymore. I am not perfect and yes, I still have an ego but I recognize certain things more and more when it comes to being truly authentic and transparent and even when it comes to my purpose. This is just the beginning for me. This is MY journey…It is what I am supposed to share…
Here is the link to my video.
Thank you so much for reading this and following me. Like I said, this is JUST the beginning!
SO, I am sitting here getting treatment – not really wanting to be here. I decided to go ahead and come due to the committment today. That is all. I came by myself like I mostly do because I can get more done…lol. For some reason RIGHT BEFORE she was going to put the needle in my port, I started tearing up – AGAIN. That is like the 3rd time it happened. I blame menopause because the nurse is concerned. It was really just me feeling sorry for myself for being here alone. Ok, so it’s not necessarily that I am here ALONE that bothers me, it’s that I am not here with anyone I thought I would be with. It’s my own fault – partly. I pushed people away or did not reach out. I did not realize that when you are the one that usually does everything and handles everything that when YOU might need something, no one really KNOWS how to be there for you unless you continue to TELL THEM HOW to be there for you AND I don’t really even KNOW how to recieve help, either or reach out. I learned…. This is VERY different for me, too. I may not have handled it “correctly” but I have NEVER been where I am at right now.
I am handling EVERYTHING differently. I haven’t fell back on old ways to make that quick money because finances fell off, I haven’t looked to lean on other men because mine decided to stop being there for me, I have changed patterns and old habits. Obviously CHANGE was needed. God has been dealing with me and showing me things more clearly now. I have had to let go of a lot of “old” ways because I was being weighed down. It is NOT easy but it is so worth it! There have been so many changes going on inside me…being diagnosed with breast cancer was probably one of the best things that could have happened to me. I know that may sound crazy and maybe even piss some people off but this is MY journey. I can be bitter and continue to feel sorry for me and let this DEFINE me or I can use it to make me better! I get to rebuild and I got to see who actually STUCK BY ME through this, who stayed strong WITH me, who REALLY cared. Don’t get me wrong, everything isn’t and wasn’t ALWAYS positive – I HAD MY MOMENTS and still do sometimes BUT I do not DWELL in them! I FEEL those moments completely and then when I’m done, I can let it go easier. I am MORE than a conquerer. I am. I ALMOST forgot who I was when I gave myself over to someone that did not know how to “handle” me but I got ME back and even better! I learned a hard and painful lesson but NOW I know I will never put up with less than what I deserve and what I am willing to give ANYMORE. With anyone…friend, mate – anyone! I will always cater to the soul and NOT the ego and if the ego controls someone, well…..that’s a different subject but just know, I will feed the soul and not the ego. And I want the same. Anything less is just not worth it anymore. When you know better, you just can’t go back! If you do, you will be so uncomfortable because your soul will pull at you ALWAYS! I know from experience.
Anyway……I am STILL learning this blogging stuff but I will get it! Right now, it is an outlet for me. I hope that I can help someone along the way or inspire someone just like I was inspired. Until next time, this is me leaving my mark for the day….. #iloveyou
So, I am still in the process of setting up by blog website but here I am typing away even though it’s not set up right and I am no totally sure of what I am doing yet. I figure, start anyway…
So today is the Pink Ribbon Ride. An event at Xtreme Wings N Things to help raise money for me to help with some of the financial stuff that has been going on with me since I have been diagnosed with Breast Cancer on January 12, 2017. I am also shaving my head. My hair is coming out as a side effect of chemo….I knew it would happen, but I wasn’t ready. I wanted to shave it before it started falling out. I freaked out and cried at first because it made me feel out of control.
Later in day: Here is the video from the event…there are more videos on this youtube page also, you can go into my channel and even subscribe to get updates on all me new videos also… Shaving my head! Warning: You will hear some passionate language from some passionate people! Warning: You will hear some passionate language from some passionate people! (cussing)